Kids are cute

As proof of this fact, here is my niece:

Also, on a side note, this is my 100th post.

OraSure HIV test failure

So, not that I didn't already know this, but it's been confirmed that the OraSure oral HIV test is complete trash. Check the article.

A basket of puppy

We have a "dog-sharing" setup for when we or our "dog sharer" go out of town. This morning Ben dropped Sugar (our beagle) off at her place, because we're going to NYC for the weekend. Our dog sharer worked at home for a while this morning, and sent me these photos. The first is what "things normally look like," meaning her cat in his basket. The second picture is of what happens when Sugar discovers said soft sleeping place.

Starstruck

So, I just did a quick QC (quality control for those of you non-editorial types) for the president of the company, who I actually did not see, but as soon as my coworker said, "I wouldn't normally interrupt your work, but this is for ___" I immediately thought, Wow! and hopped right to it. Several things went through my mind, including, "don't overreact and get go-fer-y, this isn't a huge deal" "who am I kidding, my job depends on this," "I'd better not screw this up," "why do higher-ups have such hard-to-read handwriting?" etc. It made my work much harder.

The baby formerly known as Bucky...

Jackson Henry Swanes, born 1.15.06!

I was lucky enough to get to see Clare and Jackson yesterday afternoon, when the little guy was less than a day old. Awesome. Mom and baby are doing very well, probably going home tonight or maybe tomorrow morning. And I must say he's just the cutest! I got to hold him for a while and even helped file his long fingernails... which was stressful! A gritty file right there by those tiny tiny fingers. Not too tiny though, considering he was so early and somewhere around 7.5 pounds. The funny (well, maybe not quite funny yet to some) part was that poor Ross ended up getting food poisoning from a Blimpie sub yesterday afternoon, so it was extra lucky that Clare's sister Anna, a nurse, just happened to be visiting two weeks before Clare's due date (that's her on the right behind us in the photo). Ross was there for the birth and went home I think pretty soon after that. I know he got to see the baby in the nursery. But anyway, thanks Clare for letting us come see you and Jackson, and I'm sorry we didn't get to see Dad! And congratulations!

If heat rises then shouldn’t hell be cold?

There's a show that Ben and I stumbled upon called Brainiac, and it's British so I can't find a whole lot on Google about it, but here's the web site. They debunk myths and wives' tales, and it's funny and somewhat educational. One show we saw wanted to know the effect of electricity on the body's nervous system. So... they hooked a guy up to wires and sat him down at a table with a plastic cup of beer, and told him to pick it up. As soon as he did, they shocked him, and his hand crumpled up and sprayed the beer all over him. I thought this was very funny. Then they did the same thing about three times more, to see if the current affected him the same way, and it did. So... again, funny and somewhat educational. Anyway, there are a bunch of "teasers" on the site, like the title of this post.

Catholic priest deluded

I understand that priests aren't going to advocate for premarital sex. But, a Columbian priest likened mandatory condom carrying for boys to passing out guns in the street. With the HIV infection rate in the area, it would seem that REFUSING condoms (though who would use it and have to buy another) is what's killing people. Check out the cnn.com article.

Of sound mine

In the Washington Post re the Sago mine collapse survivor: Doctors treating the sole survivor Randal McCloy Jr. declined to speculate when the 26-year-old would fully wake up from a medically induced coma or comment on the extent of any brain damage suffered...

Now, I doubt that if he has brain damage that his comments would convey much about it. Wait, oh, I get it! It's just a poorly written sentence. This reminds me of going to get my marriage license and answering the battery of questions they administer before giving one to you, including, "Are you of sound mind?" This poses the question, how would I know and be able to tell them if I were crazy? Isn't that the point, that when you're not of sound mind you have no idea? They also asked if we were related and if we were under the influence. And when I asked why they were asking these questions, they said, "We don't know. It's the law."

Typing without looking

I got the reading glasses today. So... I am now wearing my spiffy new contacts and spiffy new glasses. However, when wearing my glasses I have to change focus to look down at the keyboard and I am realizing how often I do that. I think I play piano the same way. That's why I never really learned to read and play music fluently at the same time, because I'm always looking at my hands. In fact, I think my old hag of a piano teacher used to write that in all caps in my notebook, "JENNY, DON'T LOOK AT YOUR HANDS!!!" This went along with "CUT YOUR NAILS, JENNY!!" Sometimes I wonder if the huge candy canes she gave me for Christmas, literally a foot long and 2 inches in diameter, were just a cruel joke. No one could eat one of those.

I digress. The point is, I'm going to try to look at the keyboard less. In fact, I haven't looked at it since I started this paragraph. I've made a few mistakes, but I certainly can automatically find the backspace key. OK, so I looked a few times.

Hereos what happens when I don't use the bakcsoace and jeek tuoiung likje I kjnow some peop;e can. THat was :"keep typing." Sing. I mean Sigh!

Dave Barry. Funny man.

So, I just discovered Dave Barry. I mean, I'd heard of him but now have quite an affinity for him.

Here's a taste. Both of these made me laugh. I may just throw some of these in randomly when I want to post but don't feel like talking about myself:

Published 1992, in the Miami Herald
DAVE BARRY
Once again it's time for the popular educational feature "Ask Mister Language Person,'' brought to you this week by Ray's House of Fine Adverbs. Remember Ray's motto: "Proudly Serving You, Eventually.''
Our first grammar question today comes from concerned reader Brian Cameron of Elora, Ontario, who writes: "Just what does it mean when someone says, 'But, by the same token'?''
A. In grammatical terminology, this is what is known as a "constipating conjunction.'' It is used to separate two statements that would sound stupid if they were right next to each other.
EXAMPLES:
-- "Unemployment will definitely decrease. But, by the same token, it could increase.''
-- "In 27 years of marriage, Todd never noticed Marie's tentacle. But, by the same token, he was a fine tennis player.''
------
Q. In the song "The Joker,'' what is the mystery word that Steve Miller sings in the following verse:
"Some people call me the space cowboy
Some people call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
'cause I speak of the (SOMETHING) of love.''
A. According to the Broward County Public Library, the word is "pompatus.''
Q. What does "pompatus'' mean?
A. Nothing. Steve made it up. That's why some people call him "the space cowboy.''

The semicolon (joke)

Clipping from a Dave Barry spoof column, "Mr. Language Person"

Q: What is the purpose of the semicolon?
A: It can be used to either (1) separate two independent clauses, or (2) indicate an insect attack.
EXAMPLES:
(1) "Well, I'm a clause that certainly doesn't need any help!"; "Me either!"
(2) "Be careful not to bump into that ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; AIEEEEEEE!"_________________________________
An entire original Dave Barry bit:

Ask Mr. Language Person
by Dave Barry Once again our glands are swollen with pride as we present "Ask Mister Language Person," the column that answers your common questions about grammar, punctuation and sheep diseases. Mister Language Person is the only authority who has been formally recognized by the American Association of English Teachers On Medication. ("Hey!" were their exact words. "It's YOU!") So without farther adieu, let us turn to our first question,
which comes from a reader who has just returned from a trip to England.
Q. I have just returned from a trip to England, and . . .
A. We KNOW that. Get to the point! You're wasting space!
Q. OK, sorry. Anyway, I have just returned from a trip to England, and I noticed that the English put an extra "u" in certain words, such as "rumour," "humour" and "The Roulling Stounes." Also they call some things by totally different names, such as "lift" when they
mean "elevator," "bonnet" when they mean "lorry" and "twit" when they mean "former Vice President Quayle." My question is, don't they have any dentists over there?
A. Apparently nout.
Q. Please explain the correct usage of the word "neither."
A. Grammatically, "neither" is used to begin sentences with compound subjects that are closely related and wear at least a size 24, as in: "Neither Esther nor Bernice have passed up many Ding Dongs, if you catch my drift." It may also be used at the end of a carnivorous injunction, as in: "And don't touch them weasels, neither."
Q. My husband and I recently received a note containing this sentence: "Give us the money, or you seen the last of you're child." I say that the correct wording should be "you have done seen the last of you're child," but my husband, Warren, insists it should be "you have been done seeing the last of you're child." This has become a real bone of contention, to the point where Warren refuses to come out of the utility shed. What do you think?
A. We think that an excellent name for a band would be: "The Bones of Contention."
Q. I have noticed that newspapers often state that they have obtained information from "informed sources." Who are these sources?
A. We cannot tell you.
Q. Why not?
A. Because the Evil Wizard will turn them back into snakes.
Q. As an employee of the Internal Revenue Service, I have been tasked with the paradigm of making our income-tax forms more "user friendly" for the average American citizen, who according to our research has the IQ of a sugar beet. I am currently working on this sentence from the form 1040 instructions: "A taxpayer who dies prior to the fourth trimester of the previous non-exempt year must, within 10 fiscal days of kicking the bucket, file Form 94-82348-RIP, which has not been available since the Eisenhower administration." How can I make this sentence less confusing?
A. According to the Association of Professional Tax Professionals, a much clearer wording would be: " . . . which has not been available since the Eisenhower administration (1952-60)."
Q. When should I say "phenomena," and when should I say "phenomenon?"
A. "Phenomena" is what grammarians refer to as a "subcutaneous invective," which is a word used to describe skin disorders, as in "Bob has a weird phenomena on his neck shaped like Ted Koppel." Whereas "phenomenon" is used to describe a backup singer in the 1957 musical group "Duane Furlong and the Phenomenons."
Q. What was their big hit?
A. "You Are the Carburetor of My Heart."
Q. What is the most fascinating newspaper photograph caption you have ever seen?
A. That would be the caption to a 1994 photograph from the Billings, Mont., Gazette, sent in by alert reader David Martin. The photo, which accompanies a very serious story on efforts to end the civil war in Angola, shows some bikini-clad women on a beach, looking at a man who is holding a monkey. The caption states, in its entirety: "An Angolan carries his pet monkey Sunday on a beach in Angola as leaders of the country sign a new peace agreement."
Q. Can you please reprint the top two headlines from the cover of the October, 1996, issue of Reader's Digest?
A. Certainly: FIRM UP YOUR BOTTOM
You Can Raise Your Child's IQ
Q. In Publication No. 51 of the U.S. Postal Service, which was sent in by alert reader Oljan Repic, how is the term "Special Handling" defined?
A. It is defined as "a service that is optional except when mailing honeybees to Canada."
TODAY'S BUSINESS WRITING TIP: In writing proposals to prospective clients, be sure to clearly state the benefits they will receive:
WRONG: "I sincerely believe that it is to your advantage to accept this proposal."
RIGHT: "I have photographs of you naked with a squirrel."
GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON? That is not our problem.
________________________________
A tribute to Dave Barry:

From alert readers:
David Davidson sent an article from the Tybee News containing this statement about the mayor of Tybee Island, Ga.: "He also said an older woman suffered a broken hip when a dog pounced on her and read a long letter from someone supporting the dog ban."

Tim O'Marra sent in an article from the Skagit Valley (Wash.) Herald containing this sentence: "Suspecting the action was suspicious, the officer ordered both of them to raise their hands."

Chaz Liebowitz sent in an article from the Miami Herald that begins: "Davie police are searching for a man with a .25-caliber semi-automatic handgun to rob a convenience store Wednesday."

Several readers sent in an article from the Richmond Times-Dispatch concerning a dump truck driver who "dropped more than 59,000 pounds of processed human excrement on Interstate 295" and was charged with "failure to contain his load."

Sue Colson sent in a "Police Blotter" item from the Port AransasCQ (Tex.) South Jetty, consisting entirely of this fascinating statement: "No goat was found in the trunk of a vehicle when an officer responded to a complaint on East Avenue G at about 1:20 p.m."

Post Secret and my secrets

Ben and I went to the Post Secret exhibit this weekend. An artist from the area, Frank Warren, started a project in which he passed out postcards at a show for people to write anonymous secrets on and send back to him. He got a HUGE response. I don't know how many cards he's gotten, but now he gets emails, handmade postcards, and letters, and all sorts of things since he stopped handing out postcards. He created a blog, showing the postcards. We stood in line for 2 hours to see the exhibit on Saturday. It closed Sunday, on its way to a national tour.

The exhibit was in the old Staples building on M Street, for those of you who lived in DC a few years ago. When we finally got in, we wandered around the different parts of the exhibit because we were sick of waiting in line and the general snaking flow of the exhibit was just as slow as the line. There were a few tables and chairs with postcards in boxes, an area where postcards hung from fishing wire, a few blown-up postcards on the walls, and rows and rows of postcards inserted in 5-photo plastic photo album pages, hung at eye level with binder clips to fishing wire strung between the pillars. Probably thousands of postcards. Because they were anonymous and secrets tend to be bad, most were very sad and some scary and disheartening. There were a few funny ones, like "I want to take a dump on my mother's white carpet." But most of them had to do with incest, cheating, violence, eating disorders, self-loathing, etc. Some emails on the walls wrote to thank te artist for showing them they weren't alone and inspiring them to change their lives. Other people wrote to say they had given their postcard to someone in their lives instead of sending it, and talked about the good things that came of it. One made me laugh because I understood his/her plight: "I check my online journal 50 times a day to see if someone will post a comment... No one ever has." C'mon, people, don't lurk! I know you're reading this!

Bored and blind

I am officially a wearer of contacts + reading glasses, but unofficially I am still a no-contacts/glasses-on-top-of-the-head girl. My reading glasses will arrive in 1–2 weeks. So, I'm here with nothing to do on a Friday, tired, drinking coffee, in a surly mood. I hit the snooze (well, I grumbled "SNOOZE" to the equally tired man next to me, whose alarm clock we both use) several times today.

The new requirement for the new status report thing we're supposed to submit daily is to include WHAT we did in our "down time" if we had any. This is supposed to push us to do professional development and online courses etc. when we don't have work to do. It usually just compels me to work slower on the things I do have to do, or just not answer. I don't think they want to hear that I was blogging, or checking my Ebay sales, or sending a thousand one-line emails to Ben. Not that I haven't taken the online classes (they're part of our internal employee services), but the ones I've taken have felt like a waste of time. And a person needs a little time here and there to relax and recharge, or at least I do, especially as an editor who needs to be focused. At the moment, I'm certainly relaxing... and I suppose the coffee is charging me for now.

I sometimes wish my blog were funnier. Sometimes Ben sends me links to collegehumor.com, and they're damn hysterical. Oh well. I have my funny moments. But I definitely don't belong in a comedy troupe by any means...

Anyway, what I do do that's redeemable to fill my down time is read the copyeditors' and the DC Pubs listservs. I also subscribed to DC Web Women, but those emails aren't very relevant, and the people who post are super crazy feminists. In talking to a coworker yesterday I realized that I always need to brush up on my grammar, not that I don't know it, but I forget the names of things, like all the verb tenses and whatnot. So, I will go do more of that...

Fly i no fly

So, as I continue to live in a vacuum void of news, despite my best attempts at staying abreast of things, I bought two plane tickets with Independence Air for our trip to Killington in February. Several days later, it's all over the news that they are officially out of business. I called Orbitz yesterday for help, and the first person I talked to didn't know they were out of business, and put me on hold while she read what I guess was a staff memo about the situation. She told me that as of tomorrow, 1/5/06, I can exchange my ticket. But I can't do it with Orbitz. I have to call another carrier and see if they will honor my ticket. This seems totally ridiculous to me, as I am sure it would take hours of elevator music and "have you checked our website for more information?" recordings to get anywhere. I called Orbitz several more times, being hung up on once as I was "transferred to an Independence Air specialist" and then finally I actually GOT an Independence Air specialist (again, quote unquote). I gave her my speech again, and she said, "Didn't you read their press release?" Excuse me? Can't you just tell me what the press release said, since I'm already on the phone with you asking about it and obviously haven't read the press release? I say no, she says they're refunding tickets... but the press release doesn't exactly say that. It says, "The company is seeking bankruptcy court approval to automatically refund customers with reservations for flights scheduled to depart beyond that time." I hope they get it... I don't want to buy 4 plane tickets to Vermont.

America CAN sink lower

Apparently, there are now "Katrina bus tours." On said tour, according to CNN.com, you can for $35 (or $28 for children) tour the devastated areas of New Orleans:

The three-hour tour, called "Hurricane Katrina -- America's Worst
Catastrophe," takes passengers down Canal Street, where many businesses remain
boarded up after the floods that hit 80 percent of the city and the widespread
looting that followed.

You can also get a fascinating glimpse of the wreckage of the Superdome, where people starved and died and were raped and murdered just a few weeks ago! You can also see the convention center, where more of the same happened, and some of the badly hit residential areas. This is the ultimate in capitalism I suppose... but to me it's like a tour of a concentration camp two months after liberation. Gruesome. Though I doubt those tours would be led by survivors.

It seems that the actual Katrina victims are not enraged by this but have been telling people to take the tours and take pictures and spread the word that things are still horrible for them; they are living in tents inside their ruined homes, or, if they're lucky, mobile homes; there is little hope for rebuilding. After all, a whole $3 of every ticket sale is donated to "Katrina relief." So, I can't really blame the people there for making money. They're doing it for survival. And if the people whose homes on display are the ones encouraging the tours, then what the hell.

The eyes of an editor

Literally, my eyes. I went to the optometrist (Is that the one who prescribes glasses? Yes, Answers.com says I am right.) this morning at 9, thinking I'd definitely be at work by 10. But every time I go I have forgotten all the steps involved in visiting him. And now, they have two more optional tests that I opted to do. So, I arrive early and walk around the block because they're not open yet. I get coffee and head back as the doctor is unlocking the door. I think his office is bizarre, because it's a fancy storefront in the West End of DC, and going to the doctor like I'm shopping in a boutique is strange. But, I guess that's how they do it in DC.

Anyway, when I arrive I have to go over the whole name change thing, which means I really haven't been there in a long time. And actually, I haven't been there since June 2004. After that, I no longer had vision insurance. As of three days ago, I became a member of VSP vision insurance, the mention of which got oohs and aahs from the staff and even the doctor. And I apparently really need this insurance.

First, a guy told me to take my contacts out. I had put them in specifically for this visit, because the last time I forgot to wear them and the doc was not pleased. I was confused, but then I was tested for glaucoma and did a field of vision test (passed!) where you look into a box at a dot on a screen and click a button when you see lines pop up in the periphery. I don't think she said "periphery," but whatever. Then I put my contacts back in. Then I took them out. Then the assistant took photos of my retinas. They came up digitally on the computer in front of her and the doctor went over them with me. There's your macula, there are the blood vessels, and this is where your optic nerve and blood vessels enter your skull. Awesome! Then I put my contacts IN again.

By this time, it's 9:30 and I am just entering the doctor's office. He checks to see how my vision is with the contacts, and we discover that my left eye, which had less of a problem previously, has now caught up with the right, meaning I now am nearsighted to the tune of a +1.5 prescription in each eye. Then I took my contacts out again. He did more tests with my face in the scary metal vise-looking thing. Which is clearer? One or Two? And so on. He looked in my eyes with a light, which I think is cool because I can see my blood vessels relfected in my eyes when the light is shining in.

I like to wear my star of David necklace when I go to a doctor that I know is Jewish, because they make fun comments about my being Jewish. Like today, when he said I was a smart Jewish girl and then asked if I'd always been Jewish because he doesn't know many Jewish girls who look like me. I said my husband tells me I look Jewish, and he said, well, the longer you're Jewish, the more you'll look it! He said he was on a cruise over Christmas and there was a rabbi who led candle-lighting ceremonies, and there were 1,500 people at the candle lighting, standing room only, and the cruise directors didn't know what to do! There were Christmas activities that no one went to. I asked about his kids, one who is a sophomore in college and a very mature 19, and the other who is a hellion 15-year-old beer-guzzling cheerleader.

So, we went on to discussing what to do about my eyes. I said I knew he had mentioned the full-time contacts with reading glasses option, but that my contacts bothered my eyes sometimes. He said, yes, but those contacts were part-time-wear contacts and there is a new type of contact with silicone in it that increases oxygen permeability from a rating of 18 to a rating of 130. He gave me a pair... and they feel great, at least they did until I got here and took them out (I don't have the new reading glasses yet, and they're replacing the left lens on my old glasses, so I'll be blind from farther than 10 feet or so until tomorrow). I will use the contact case that my brother has always used, that also looks like a little miniature torture device, because the solution is actually peroxide, and the case has to have a vent to let out the oxygen while the peroxide bubbles. I asked about laser vision correction and he said it wouldn't work for me, since I'd still have to wear reading glasses. I guess that crosses and interesting but scary option off the list.

The girl who helped me pick out my new frames and price out the whole deal told me my boots were "hot." "I didn't want to say that in front of Doctor, but they are." My VSP insurance helped get all of my costs, including a year's worth of contacts, new frames with lenses and all the upgrades, a new lens in my old glasses, and the exam and optional tests for about $400. And that doesn't include the $80 rebate I'll be sending in when I get my contacts. Awesome.

So, now I will be a full-time contact wearer, with reading glasses. I guess that's what happens when you sit in front of a computer reading ALL DAY. I had been getting sick of wearing my glasses on my head when I worked. And I'll still be able to fall back on the old pair of glasses if I don't want to wear contacts. All is well with the world of my eyes.

Perhaps a new state altogether... 

Is it worth it?

Good house... but worth it? We jumped back in the pool yesterday and went out with our realtor again. He's a good guy. But, it's so hard to stay focused on a trip looking at houses. This is a house in the coveted Del Ray area of Alexandria, in about the middle of the road for prices in the neighborhood. We looked at places in DC that we could afford yesterday, and saw a few that were more promising than others we've seen, but still, the problem is that the DC houses in areas where Ben's commute wouldn't be any longer are too expensive, and the houses we can afford are too far away for Ben and most aren't near anything. So, we're back to the idea of moving to Virginia. Or Michigan, or Philadelphia, or who knows. We're starting to just not feel connected to any place.

Frustrating home costs in DC make me want to...